


but i like being busy

by shinenct



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A - Freeform, Ahead, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emptiness, Helpless, Hope, Insecurity, Inspired by Real Events, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Other, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, day, great, have, hes just tired, hopeless, my lifestory, poor bby, rantfic, torturing his head, voices, yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26343139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinenct/pseuds/shinenct
Summary: donghyuck suffers from depression but refuses to admit ithe is extremely overworked but he finds himself enjoying that because if he is busy, that meant that he did not need to think, and that he mind would already be occupied.but what will happen when he is on his day off, all alone in the dorms with no one to help him fight the demons?
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Everyone
Comments: 3
Kudos: 81





	but i like being busy

  
donghyuck stumbled throught the apartment door at 3am after finally completing all his schedules. his eyes were barely open as he tried to make his way to the couch before crashing on it and completely blacking out.

donghyuck wakes up 6 hours later, thank god it was his day off. he finally had time to rest from the crazy and hectic schedule given to him by sm who has done nothing but abuse his poor 20 year old body.

donghyuck's plan for the day was simple. sleep, eat, sleep. it was going to be his only day off for the next 2 months so he was not going to let it go to waste.

he quickly got up and went to take a shower in an attempt to freshen up and wake himself up. as he was drying his hair with his towel, he suddenly realised that the dorm was strangely quiet.

"ah right, 127 all still have personal schedules, how stupid lee donghyuck"

and that was the thought that started everything. that simple evil thought, which led to so many others throughout the entire day.

donghyuck's mind started to throw insults at him, accusing him of his laziness and his stupidity. 'they arent true.' thats what he likes to tell himself. but really, he cant stop them from bothering his mind and making him filled with anxiety and insecurities that no one but him knew about.

"wow look at you, taking a break while all your hyungs are working hard, how pathetic"   
"you dont deserve this"   
"why are you still here? go and practice! you already look floppy you need to improve!"

he shook his head violently, trying to shake out and get rid of all the voices in his head that strangely sounded exactly like him. 

without realising, a couple of tears dripped down his face as he covered his ears and rocked on the floor trying to fight all the demons that were clouding his sanity.

"wow, now you're crying?"  
"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"  
"such a crybaby"

it just got worse. why did he cry? he couldnt even do a simple thing right, what a dumbass huh lee donghyuck. he really did hate himself that much.

he really didnt know, when he had found the energy to pull himself up to his bedroom and was now inside huddled up on the bed, trying so hard to stop the tears from falling.

music didnt work. no matter how loud he blasted it into his ears, the voices were always louder. especially the voices that criticizes his abilities and appearance.

but he at least tried. donghyuck plugged in worned out earpiece into his ear and blasted 'no longer' the loudest he could, praying that for once it would do the job and block out all of the voices in his head.

well that was of course an empty dream. the moment his part came one, he couldnt hear himself sing anymore. all he could hear was the voices criticizing his voice, saying how he lacked emotions, or that his voice was shaky.

he wished he could just ignore everything they said. but honestly, it was hard. it wasnt an easy thing to just block out all of those menancing voices.

donghyuck stared at the ceiling helplessly, he eyes hollowed of emotions. all that was left was a pair of dead, souless and empty eyes.

he stared at the ceiling for some moments. 30min? 1 hour? he really didnt know. all he was trying to do was ignore the feeling that was slowing growing in his heart once again.

that feeling that always uncomfortably sitting at the bottom of his hard, usually forgotten and conpletely ignored in the day, but has now paid an early visit.

it was a numbing pain. maybe sometimes with a few sharp pains shppting every now and then. but thay didnt change how much it hurt. maybe this hurt more honestly. this definitely hurts more than any physical wound that one could ever have.

there were so many emotional scars on donghyuck's heart. scars that would be there for a lifetime. scars that will never ever be completely healed and gone. scars that will remind him of how much a failure he was at the best moments of his life.

donghyuck had always felt lonely. sure he had so many hyungs and dongsaengs surrorunding him, but none of them understood him. none of them knew the real donghyuck, all they saw was the bubbly haechan but if they looked within, they would find not a single tinge of happiness but only filled a heart filled with horrible pain that was so broken, nothing could mend it.

i mean all the hyungs only treated him as the 'brat' as what they liked to call him. sure he had to live up to his name of being a playful maknae. but, all maknaes also needed some form of love right?

he laughs it off whenever his hyungs use that name on him pretending like everything was okay, that he was not hurt by their words. although he can clearly feel the stabs of pain that was like the sharpest sword in the world, coming through his fragile heart that could shatter so easily.

he hates it. but the voices convince him otherwise. they tell him that its true. that he was annoying, that they all were irritated of him.

donghyuck wishes for it not to be true, but their actions and words tell him that he has just been dreaming and that he should wake up and come back to reality.

maybe this was why he always liked being busy. well he did mostly cover up the real reason by saying that he wanted to see czennies. i mean yes that was true. but only to a certain extent.

then what was the underlying meaning of his busy schedules? how he supposedly enjoyed them? was all because it kept his mind occupied. when he was busy, it meant that he didnt have time to think.

that feeling in his heart would not keep haunting him either. busy people dont think. they dont have the time to. which was exactly what donghyuck needed. he doesnt want to think, cause the moment he does, he just falls into the deep blackhole of anxiety and insecurities.

thats why he makes it an effort to stay busy. he always occupies himself with something. be it playing games with dream, cooking with 127, radio shows, variety shows, comebacks, he does it all. 

all of this just so that he doesnt need to think.

but today was different. no one was at home to entertain him and keep him busy. the managers forbade him from the practice rooms for him to properly rest. he was all alone. in the dorm. with the demons ready to swallow him whole. 

but honestly what could he do? he didnt know how to fight back. the best he could do was sit on his bed, huddled up, tears falling from his face, as he listened to every single one of what the demons in his head sid he was. he just couldnt help it. it was not within his ability.

so his day just passed by slowly, as he once again battled all the negative thoughts that flooded his mind, as he sat down on his bed and stared at the celing helplessly, wishing for someone to help pull him out of the hellhole that he was in.

donghyuck decided that he would rather be busy than having a day off. being busy took a toll on his physical health, but having a day off took a toll on his mental health.

and honestly if he were to choose, he would rather completely disregard his physical health rather than battle with his deteriorating mental health ever again.

at the back of his mind, donghyuck knows. he knows that things will get worse if he leaves it like that, if he just pretends to not feel what he is feelinf, if he continues to ignore his feelings.

but he isnt strong enough to deal with it now. neither did he bave the courage to reach out to one of his hyungs for help. so this was the best he could do. forget and ignore. maybe one day, he will be strong enough, maybe one day he will have the courage, but that day isnt now.

so for now, donghyuck will stay busy even if it meant ignoring the demons slowing killing him emotionally and torturing himself physically.

it was the only way, for him to ignore everything in his life.

so, no one can stop him from being busy

because

that would mean completely killing him emotionally and physically.

so the best way

was to let him

 **keep being busy**.

**Author's Note:**

> IM BACKK
> 
> hii so this was like a lifestory? in idol form and donghyuck's perspective. this has been very relatable for me as i have been extremely busy with school events which made me not have any time to think. but now that things have slowed down, my demons are coming back and so is that indescribable feeling.
> 
> i hope yall enjoyed reading!
> 
> kudos and comments are highly appreciated
> 
> stay safe, stay healthy and stay happy


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